Surviving the College Football Offseason

3 Aug

We’ve almost made it.

There are just 31 days left until the start of football season.

Yes, I know that football, in the form of college and NFL camps is already here. NFL preseason games will be starting in a week or so, and the first college game will be played before August ends.

But here, in the heart of Big Red Country, football season begins when the Cornhuskers take the field against Fresno State on September 3 – just 31 days from now.

In theory, this should be the easy part.  If you have survived the prolonged football drought between end of the Spring Game and the start of Fall camp, another month won’t be a big issue, right?

Wrong.

I don’t know why, but these last few weeks of the offseason can be brutal.  The anticipation builds, and thoughts of Football Saturdays fill your head, making time pass slower than a snail stuck in molasses.

Fortunately, help is here.  I have mapped out the next 31 days, providing you with a way to get your football fix, as well as help pass the time until kickoff.

Wednesday, August 3

Attend Fan Day, and show the nation how much our fans love this team.  Unless you are getting autographs for somebody under 13, let the little kids cut in front of you.

 

Thursday, August 4

Plan your menu for the season opening tailgate.  Burgers or brats?  Beer or Husker Punch?  Pretzels or potato chips?

 

Friday, August 5

Memorize the name, jersey number, and hometown for every player on the current roster.  Amaze your friends by naming all of the Gretna Dragons on the roster.

 

Saturday, August 6

Freak out about this year’s alternate uniforms and/or adidas.  Flood social media with your thoughts on why Nike / Under Armour / Russell Athletic would be better.

 

Sunday, August 7

Start growing your Ross Dzuris tribute mustache.

 

Monday, August 8

Mondays are the 11 am games of weekdays.  So let’s get fired up for 11 am games by listening to the soothing tones of Beth Mowins.

 

Tuesday, August 9

Donate to Team Jack.  And while you’re there, VOTE to help Jack’s dad Andy Hoffman win $100,000 to help fight pediatric brain cancer.  Be sure to vote every day.

 

Wednesday, August 10

In Nebraska, Football Season cannot start until Road Construction season ends.  Therefore, volunteer your time on road construction crews between your home and Memorial Stadium.

 

Thursday, August 11

Using Photoshop, Illustrator, MS Paint, or crayons, create a series of alternate Husker uniform and helmet concept drawings. Bonus points for creativity and a total disregard for tradition!

 

Friday, August 12

Resist the urge to share those uniform concepts on Facebook, Twitter, or message boards.  Seriously, just delete the evidence.

 

Saturday, August 13

Honor the memories of Sam Foltz and Mike Sadler by making a difference in your community.  #RIP27

 

Sunday, August 14

Vote in every online contest involving Nebraska, as many times as possible – including the Betty Jane France Humanitarian Award, which could give $100,000 to the Team Jack Foundation.  Repeat daily.

 

Monday, August 15

Send awkward “#Huskers!  GBR!” tweets to potential recruits.

Actually – don’t do this.

Ever.

Seriously, do not do it.

Instead, stare at the Countdown to Kickoff timer on the HuskerMax home page.  That is more productive – and far less creepy – than sending unsolicited messages to teenage boys.

 

Tuesday, August 16

Finally learn the words to “Hail Varsity”.  Practice in the shower, on the drive to work, or in meetings.

 

Wednesday, August 17

Reread all of my HuskerMax writings from the last four years, or check out some of my other musings here.

 

Thursday, August 18

Start carrying a helium filled red balloon with you everywhere you go.  Just in case.

 

Friday, August 19

Donate your old “My Bo-Friend’s Back” t-shirt to Goodwill.  Replace it with a Calibraska shirt or something that shows your fondness for Jayskers or Iowa.

 

Saturday, August 20

Practice setting up your tailgate spread in the Walmart parking lot.  Bonus points if you stay there all afternoon.

 

Sunday, August 21

Spend the day watching old games on BTN.  Or better yet, try YouTube where you can find forgotten games like this 1989 clash against Northern Illinois.  Gary Gdowski and Ken Clark look good running the option.

 

Monday, August 22

For those of you on Twitter, be sure to follow @ZombieDevaney, @NURadioCaller, @NoCoastHatch@FeitCanWrite and of course, @FauxPelini.  There are dozens of other great NU follows, but these are some personal favorites well worth your time.

 

Tuesday, August 23

Hire a band to play No Place Like Nebraska and March Grandioso for you.

 

Wednesday, August 24

Blame something on Steve Pederson, Bill Callahan, and/or Harvey Perlman for old times’ sake.  Bonus points if they could not possibly be responsible for whatever you’re blaming them for.

 

Thursday, August 25

Write letters to Big Ten West head coaches challenging them to punt to De’Mornay Pierson-El.

 

Friday, August 26

Spend a hilarious afternoon lost in the Tunnel Walk of Shame archives.

 

Saturday, August 27

This is the last Saturday before Nebraska football.  It might not be a bad idea to spend time with your spouse, children, or other loved ones – because January is a long ways away.

 

Sunday, August 28

Attend church, and pray for at least nine wins, zero arrests, fewer turnovers, better decision-making by the coaches, and good weather for the home games.  Bonus points if you yell “Down in front!” when the congregation stands up.

 

Monday, August 29

Revolve this week’s meals around the three basic food groups:  Runzas, Fairbury Hot Dogs, and Valentino’s pizza.

Bonus:  If your Ross Dzuris tribute mustache isn’t panning out, you should be able to get one of these delivered before kickoff.

 

Tuesday, August 30

Obtain a list of email addresses for all Heisman Trophy voters.  Just in case…

 

Wednesday, August 31

Go door to door selling remaining tickets so the sellout streak endures another year.  Collect deposits for the 2017 season.

 

Thursday, September 1

Create a playlist of songs that would be perfect to replace Sirius for the Tunnel Walk.  Keep this playlist to yourself.  Those songs suck.

 

Friday, September 2

Stay up all night worrying about our depth at long snapper, and obsessing because ESPN hasn’t mentioned Nebraska.

 

Saturday, September 3

Game day.  Get there early, cheer loud, and stay positive the first time a drive does not end in a touchdown.

 

I know these next 31 days will not always be easy, but if we work together as a team we can achieve anything – even the dog days of summer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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