Dear Soccer Fans (from a non-fan)

12 Jun

An open letter to fans of soccer and the World Cup,

Dear Soccer Fans,

I apologize for the lateness of this letter, as you are probably already enjoying the start of the 2014 FIFA World Cup.  But before you get too far into the month-long tournament, my non-soccer-loving friends and I would like to come to an agreement with you, our futbol-loving friends and neighbors.  Think of it as an agreement of mutual respect to get both of us through the next month.

World Cup (image from Wikipedia)

Here is what we propose:

  • We, the non-soccer fans, promise to respect that the month of your life is going to revolve around soccer, if you, soccer fans, promise to respect that, for us, this next month is the sporting equivalent of having your mother-in-law perform dental work on you.
  • We promise to let you call it “football” without telling about where the “REAL football” is played on America, if you promise to not correct us when we refer to your sport as “soccer”.
  • We promise to not call you a douche, if you promise that only fans of Latin descent should say “futbol”.
  • We promise to go easy on bashing soccer and pointing out the lack of scoring, the flopping, and the weird rules if you promise to limit the breathless descriptions of how the “beautiful game” was played in a 1-0 match.
  • We promise to not judge you when you tell us how you’re rooting for some country you have no affiliation with, if you promise not to judge us when we jump on the U.S. bandwagon should they win a match or two.
  • We promise not to unfriend you or block you on Twitter, if you promise to take it easy on the social media updates.  Surely there cannot be 50 tweet-worth items in a 2-0 match.
  • We promise to be accepting of World Cup-themed promotions, commercials, and marketing, if you promise to not cite a Coke can or McDonald’s commercial as proof of soccer’s growing influence in America.

In general, we promise to stay of your way and let you enjoy the Cup if you promise to allow us to ignore it completely.  We won’t bash on soccer like we usually do, but we ask that you don’t try to make us care.

Because we really don’t.

It’s nothing personal.  Soccer just isn’t our cup of tea.  We know this puts us in a vast minority amongst the world’s population, but we’re cool with that.  Please, enjoy the World Cup.  All we ask is to be left alone.

We feel these mutual agreements are in everybody’s best interests as you would certainly like to enjoy the world’s biggest sporting event with billions of other fans, and we want it to be over quickly so ESPN will spend more time talking about NFL training camps.

Sincerely,

People who don’t care about soccer

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One Response to “Dear Soccer Fans (from a non-fan)”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. On Catching Up | The Caveat Lector - August 1, 2014

    […] Feit wrote a funny post prior to the start of World Cup that accurately hits a number of the insecurities of American […]

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