Rejected Methods For Picking the Pope

14 Mar

Today, the papal conclave elected Jorge Mario Bergoglio as Pope, making him the leader of the Catholic Church.  Bergoglio (who will now be known as Francis) was elected by a two-thirds majority on the fifth vote of the papal conclave.

Or so they would have us believe…

Since the conclave is strictly off-limits to anybody but the cardinals who participate in it, there really is no good way of knowing how Francis was chosen.  Fortunately, I have a guy on the inside who let me in on some of rejected pope picking methodologies:

Obligatory disclaimers:  What follows is farce.  Satire.  A lame, late night attempt at comedy.  I, in no way, shape, or form, intend to offend any Catholics, Catholicism, or anything related with Pope Francis’s election.  I truly mean no disrespect. 

If you are likely to be offended by spoofs on the papal conclave’s election process, stop now.  I’d humbly suggest clicking on one of the other Feit Favorites from the right side.  You’ll probably find something you like better over there.  Okay…everybody good?  On with the jokes!  How was the pope picked…

  • NFL style:  A vote occurs, then the head cardinal goes under the hood to review the results on the field.
  • Actually, since it is the College of Cardinals who picks the Pope, they just send it up to the replay office in the press box.
  • The Pope candidates perform a mass for Randy Jackson and whoever is judging American Idol these days.
  • Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu decipher random clues hidden in Vatican art work and architecture.
  • Pro Wrestling Steel Cage Match
  • Prospects split into two teams and take on the task of expanding Catholicism in a third world country.  At the end the challenge Donald Trump fires cardinals until one remains.
  • A multi-event challenge.  Think World’s Strongest Man meets SuperStars.
  • NBA style:  Two finalists meet at mid court.  The Pope hat is tossed into the air and they try to rebound it.
  • A spirited game of P-O-P-E.  (And yes, banks in the Vatican are closed on Sundays).
  • Demolition derby with the old Popemobiles.
  • Shot glasses filled with the Vatican’s finest are passed around.  Everybody drinks.  The process repeats until one remains.
  • Musical chairs.
  • The Cardinal with the most Facebook likes and Twitter followers wins.
  • Whomever can correctly spell “Presbyterianism” becomes the pope.
  • Anybody who can come with a plan for Notre Dame to beat an SEC team in a bowl game deserves the job.
  • Ro-Sham-Bo
  • ESPN wins the exclusive TV rights.  The pope is selected by a panel of talking heads, brass, and the few journalists they still have left.  Pope Timothy Tebow wins handily.
  • The cardinals line up by age (youngest first).  One by one, they are blindfolded, led to the center of a large room, and turned around to slightly disorient them.  A sacred papal staff is placed in their hands.  They then swing at a giant piñata (shaped like the pope’s hat).  Whomever breaks it open wins (and gets to eat all of the candy inside the piñata).
  • Former St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa strolls out of a Vatican City dugout to make his selection.
  • Prospective popes must prepare a three course meal (appetizer, entrée, and dessert) using the following basket items:  water, wine, bread, fish.
  • An announcer describes all of the perks that come with being the Pope (clothes, cars, trips, housing, etc).  Cardinals must enter their bid and the one who is closest to the actual retail price wins.  (side note:  any joker that bids $1 is forced to become a Lutheran).
  • The Cardinals are dispatched to midwest towns on a Friday nights in Lent to run their own fish fry.  Most revenue wins.
  • Soccer style:  nothing exciting happens for what feels like days.  Right before they go to penalty kicks, somebody slips through and wins the election while you’re not paying attention.
  • Looking for a female’s perspective, the cardinals reach out to Lennay Kekua, who provides valuable counsel and advice.
  • Former Arizona Cardinal Kurt Warner bestows his blessing on one cardinal.
  • An 8 Mile-style rap battle.
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2 Responses to “Rejected Methods For Picking the Pope”

  1. Multifarious meanderings March 14, 2013 at 2:25 am #

    Don’t like this. LOVE this 🙂

    • Feit Can Write March 14, 2013 at 10:33 am #

      Thanks! This was fun to write as some of the mental images really amuse me.

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