How to Improve the Presidental Debates

22 Oct

The third (and thankfully, final) Presidential debate is tonight.  I’ve watched most of the first two rounds, and I think the debates are long overdue for some changes.  Instead of hearing clear, concise answers to tough questions, we get spin, cheesy stories about some schmo they met on the campaign trail, distortions, half-truths, and flat-out lies.  Meanwhile, the moderator – arguably the worst job on television – struggles to keep the candidates from talking too long, never moving on to the next question, and avoiding questions.

My fellow Americans, we deserve better.  Together we can improve the debates, turning them from unruly gabfests to world-class television:

  • “Please welcome tonight’s moderator, Jon Stewart from The Daily Show.”
  • Both candidates are strapped to polygraph machines, with the results being shown on-screen.
  • When a candidate runs out of their allotted time, their microphone is cut off.
  • Responses are judged by Food Network personalities on the basis of taste, plating, and originality.
  • Take a cue from the Family Feud – ask one candidate the questions while the other is off-stage in a sound-proof room.  Then ask the same questions to the other guy.
  • Each candidate gets one red challenge flag per half.  The replay booth (staffed by factcheck.org) calls down with their ruling.
  • Use the audience from a Jerry Springer Show taping.
  • If a candidate is found to be flip-flopping on a previously stated position, an audience member gets to smack them with a flip-flop.
  • Candidates are tied to a chair, suspended by a rope, 10 feet over a pool of rabid sharks.  Every time they lie, interrupt, or go over time, their chair lowers by a foot.
  • Each candidate gets three lifelines:  phone a friend (either their wife or running mate), poll the audience, or a 50/50.
  • Candidates must participate in the drinking game, so when Obama talks about the “47%” or Romney brings up gas prices, they have to do a shot.
  • When a candidate says something that is proven to be an exaggeration, an extortion of the truth, or a flat-out lie, the opposing Vice Presidential nominee gets to take a shot at him with a paintball gun.  (Bonus points if Paul Ryan or Joe Biden show up dressed as Rambo.)
  • Shock collars
  • Instead of dark suits with power ties, candidates wear costumes picked out by the opposing campaign.  Obama will be dressed as Muslim cleric, and Romney will be dressed as Mr. Moneybags from Monopoly.
  • Instead of two minutes, candidates have 12 seconds to answer.
  • The one, truly undecided voter in America is back stage.  After the debate, he comes out and give his candidate a rose.  The other candidate is invited to appear on “The Bachelorette.”
  • Candidates are given a secret word or phrase to be worked in at some point during the debate.  Governor Romney, your word is “onomatopoeia”.
  • When somebody interrupts you, you get to slap them in the face.
  • Replace the podiums with the Wipeout! obstacle course.  You get to talk non-stop until your opponent clears the obstacle.
  • No changes, except both candidates are made aware of the 100 gallon drums of Nickelodeon slime perched above their podiums, and the two switches on the moderator’s desk.
Advertisements

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: