My Day So Far…

22 May

It has been an interesting day in the Feit Can Write household.

My 14 month old son is sick, so I’m taking the day off from work to take care of him.  With a combination of growing pains, teething pains, clinginess, and a big case of the yuckies that may extend to his stomach, he is far from his usual cute and happy self.

Breakfast consisted of him shredding a waffle into thousands of pieces, then scattering those pieces all over the carpet*, like a miniature version of the guy on the Nebraska capitol building.

*Excuse me while I curse the previous owners of our home for installing carpet – and light cream colored carpet at that – in the dining room.  You had young kids, what the hell were you thinking?

With the floor cleaned up, and the little guy down for a nap, I started to call roofing companies to get estimates for the leaking skylights in our living room*.  The first place I called recognized my name, as the lovely Mrs. Feit Can Write had called them earlier in the week.  (She is usually on the ball like that).  I mentioned to the roofer that since I’d be home all day, it would be convenient if they could come out today while I’m here.  He said he’d pass that on to his estimator, who would call if he could fit me in today.

*Ah, the joys of home ownership…

I checked my work email, peeked at Facebook, and hopped in the shower so I’d be ready when the boy wakes up.  As I shut the water off, I heard a noise on the roof.  That’s not too uncommon – there is a maple tree outside my bathroom, and squirrels will sometimes climb the tree and scamper on the roof.  But this wasn’t a squirrel.

This is where I should mention that my bathroom also has a skylight.

I look up and there is a guy, on my roof, measuring my skylight.  I’m dripping wet, naked as the day I was born, and completely in his line of sight.

I dry off, get dressed quick, and head outside.  I’m not mad (I’m guessing he didn’t expect to see that either), but since he’s there I’d like to have him look at our leaking roof so we can get an estimate.  Since its going to be embarrassing and awkward for both of us, I’m ready and more than willing to employ the Man Code of “It didn’t happen if we don’t talk about it”.

Except, he’s gone.

There is no guy on our roof or in the yard.  No vehicle outside – or anywhere on our street.  No business card in the door.  Not even some flowers and a note that says “lookin’ good”.

Nothing.

I went back in and called Mrs. Feit Can Write to see if she had received a heads-up that somebody was coming to look at the roof.  My phone did not have any messages or missed calls.  She had not heard anything, but she mentioned that she thought one of the companies was planning to just show up, and not have her there*.  She got a good laugh out of the story, and I’m guessing her co-workers are currently having a good laugh at my expense too.

*I’m no contractor, but I would think it would be pretty damn tough to estimate the water damage on the inside of the house if you can’t see it.  But what do I know, I’m just some naked guy in a shower.

I’m still not real sure what just happened.  I assume we’re going to receive an estimate in the mail in a few days, as I’m confident he was holding a tape measure and not a recording device.  But I’m also pretty sure that we will not be using that company for our repairs.

So that’s where I’m at so far.  Any minute now, my son will wake up and the possibility of me being thrown up on expands greatly.  If he does, I’ll probably get cleaned up in my wife’s bathroom.

It does not have a skylight or a window.

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Lenticular Thinking

22 May

I love successful advertising – the convergence of message and medium that directly hits the targeted audience; inspiring them to buy, to act, or to think.

I also love innovation – using existing technology and concepts in new ways.  In the advertising world, that means utilizing different tools and techniques to break through ad clutter, and pinpoint your audience.

And we all love people who protect children, and work to make the world a better place.

This post is about all of these loves, and how the combination is far greater than the sum of its parts.

*   *   *

There is a picture in my father-in-law’s bathroom.

Technically, there are two pictures.  Let me explain:

Instead of a flat canvas, there a few dozen triangular columns jutting out from the surface.  Those two pictures?  They are each lovely beach scenes, but both have been perfectly sliced into quarter-inch wide strips.  The strips for one picture have been pasted to the left side of the triangles, and the other set of strips is on the right side.  So depending on how you view the picture, you see one image, but not the other.

It is a neat little concept – a lenticular, as I have since learned – and makes for a pretty and unique piece of art.

But I’ve never considered a lenticular as much more than a nice to liven up a bathroom wall.

*   *   *

The problem is real.

All around us, children are being abused.

The problem is important.

How do you reach a child who is being abused?  How do you let them know that abuse they are enduring is not okay?  That they can get the help and protection they need?

Now…how do you communicate this information in front of their abuser without putting the child at greater risk?

The problem must be solved.

*   *   *

This is where the three loves I mentioned above all come together.

I could explain how they converge, but I’ll let this very cool video do the work for me.  It shows how the ANAR Foundation, (a child advocacy organization in Spain) solved the problem:

Seriously, how cool is that?

I absolutely love this.  A brilliant example of how technology meshed with advertising savvy can do great things.  While it is very easy to reduce advertising down to talking animals or bad “but wait, there’s more” pitches, this shows what advertising can be – the combination of clever thinking and unique ideas that hopefully make the world a little better.

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More Facebook Pet Peeves

20 May

A year or so ago, I compiled a list of my biggest Facebook Pet Peeves.  While some of these have slipped away – the “copy and paste this as your status if you agree” movement has mercifully slowed down – some new ones have cropped up.  Technically many of these are more about annoying Friends do than true pet peeves, but close enough for the Internet…

As before, the standard disclaimer applies:  If any of these apply to my current Facebook friends, (and you might be able to guess where most of my inspiration came from) I mean no offense.  Consider it a friendly intervention (sans the How I Met Your Mother banner).  You might get defensive at first, but I’m only telling you because I care.  If you disagree, I’ll respect your right to de-friend me (but know that I might do it first).

Extreme Partisan
Obama sucks, Republicans are stupid hypocrites, the Occupy movement was a bunch of dirty hippies, the Tea Party is full of racist jackasses, and on and on and on.  Every single post is about furthering your agenda, spreading some gross distortion, or sharing your general disdain for the other side.

Unfortunately, the only thing you’re convincing me is the next time I bump into you, I should either pretend that I’m running late or keep the conversation solely on the weather.  Even then, you’ll probably try to blame George W. Bush for the heat or mock Al Gore for the chilly temps.

Single Issue Guy
A close cousin of the Extreme Partisan.  Instead of telling me how the other party is ruining the country, you lock in one issue.  All day.  Every day.  24/7/365.

I get it:  you like your Second Amendment rights.  You hate abortion.  Gays should be allowed to marry.  While I may or may not agree with your positions, I am not coming to Facebook looking to debate issues (especially when your best argument is some ridiculous image with a bumper sticker slogan or tired talking points falsely attributed to a celebrity.

Please stop filling my timeline with your propaganda.  Of if that is too hard for you, at least try to mix it up.  Give me your rabid rantings and conspiracy theories on the designated hitter, college football playoffs, or the age-old Taste Great/Less Filling debate.

Recipe Sharer
My news feed currently has recipes for seven different chocolate-laden desserts, two pies, four casseroles, and enough quick and easy dinners using Pillsbury crescent rolls to last a month.  Enough!  Unless you made it yourself, I don’t need to see a picture of it.  And if you’re not offering to make these dishes for the rest of the class, find a better system for storing recipes*.

*Some recipe posts urge you to share so it will show up on your Wall so you can find it later.  Yeah, I’m sure when I’m trying to make a dessert for Christmas dinner, I’ll remember to go into my Facebook Wall, navigate to February 2013…wait, was that in March?…skim through two dozen other recipes…or was it January?  When was the Super Bowl?…hope that particular recipe is actually displayed on my Wall…no, I’m pretty sure it was February, because that was when Cousin Tito was in town…and hopefully find that recipe. 

Recipe sharers, there’s a site you should check out.  It’s called Pinterest.

Game Player
Please don’t invite me to play another game.  I’m perfectly capable of wasting time on my own.  Also, I don’t give a crap that you just passed Level 71 on Candy Crush Saga or scored 30 points on Words With Friends - and I play both of those games.  Here is a tip*:  when you authorize Facebook to use an app, change the privacy to “Only Me”.  That way, nobody else has to suffer through your latest “achievement.”

*Time to break out my Feit Can Write end-user documentation skills for a quick Public Service Announcement:

How to Change Sharing for Facebook Apps (or How to Keep Automatic Posts to Yourself)

  1. In Facebook, click on the sprocket icon in the upper right hand corner.
  2. Click on Privacy Settings.
  3. In the left hand pane, click on Apps.
  4. A list of your authorized applications will appear.  The middle column shows the visibility of an app and posts.
  5. To edit the visibility and posting access, click on either the word in the middle column or the Edit link to the right.
  6. Click on the drop-down list next to Visibility of apps and posts, and select the desired privacy level (Public, Friends of Friends, Friends, Only Me, Custom).
  7. RECOMMENDED:  Select “Only Me” to prevent game notifications from polluting the feeds of your friends.
  8. Repeat steps 5 and 6 for other applications.
  9. Exit the Privacy section.

Sharin’ Sharon.
Who am I talking about?  The person who shares dozens of images every day, and all from weird accounts like “Crazy Lady Duck Farts & Humor.”  Cat pictures, memes, syrupy “I love my sister/bff/cousin/podiatrist” images, and more personal affirmations than an AA meeting?  Share it.  A cute video of babies or puppies?  Share those too.

Look:  the Share button should be reserved for things that your friends want – nay, NEED – to see*, not two dozen eCards, some ugly-ass cowboy boots you won’t win, or schmaltzy inspirational images that made you smile.  That is what the Like button is for.

*Disclaimers:  If you’re sharing anything that starts with “YOU NEED TO READ THIS”, take 30 seconds to check it on snopes.com first, so you don’t end up looking like a gullible fool.  Obviously, the amazing and clever posts from the Feit Can Write Facebook page are exempt from this, and should always be shared.  Always.

I think Facebook should institute a limit on the number of shares you get per day or per month (say 5 a day and 100 a month).  Hell, let Zuckerberg sell additional shares for a buck each.

TonyAndToniTonestsonJointAccount. 
I know I did this one last time, but it still bugs me.  I am convinced that couples who share Facebook accounts either have severe trust issues or one person doesn’t really want to be on Facebook.  If there is another plausible reason, I’d love to hear it.

Seriously, it’s time.  Get your own account.

What did I miss?  What drives you nuts on Facebook?

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The Social Stigma of Adoption

13 May

During the various adoption classes and trainings we did, we came to understand how adoption is a beautiful thing built on a foundation of loss.  The birth mother feels loss over placing her child.  The adoptee feels loss over a lack of identity or not knowing their biological family.  The adoptive parents often know the loss of infertility.

I feel as if I understand the losses that everybody in our two adoptions feels.  However, I tend to look at loss mostly from my perspective, which is rather rosy.  I have long accepted that my wife and I will never have a biological child, and I am perfectly fine with that.  Our children are amazing – smart, beautiful, vibrant little beings that make me happy beyond words.  I truly believe my wife an I could not have produced anything as wonderful as our two kiddos.  So I tend to forget about the other two sides of our adoption triangle and any pain they might be feeling.

I may be over my loss, and I’m naive enough to think that we can provide enough love and support to cushion whatever loss our kids may feel as their comprehension of their journeys to our home evolves.  But do I really understand what our birth mothers went through?

Sure, I can vocalize the pain they must feel over knowing that they have not seen their beautiful children in person since birth.  I can try to understand what it must be like to go through life – being with their other children, hearing a baby cry, seeing their C-section scar, or any of the thousand moments in the day where they are reminded that the life they brought into this world is (for differing reasons) not currently in their life.

It is a pain that I cannot understand, a loss that I will never know, an ache that (presumably) never goes away.  I am grateful beyond words these women chose adoption and chose us to parent their children.

But is another part of the story that I had never ever considered; one that makes me love and appreciate these women even more:  the social stigma they must face.  The judgment (silent, vocal, or implied) from everyone you know.

I recently read a very interesting piece in the Washington Post entitled “A Mother’s Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment“. It really opened my eyes.

I clicked on the piece expecting a rant against an all-too-common adoption phrase:  “gave up for adoption”*.

*I hate that phrase.  Despise it.  It makes the hair on my neck stand up and wakes up the protective Papa Bear inside me.  Nobody – and I mean NOBODY – “gave up” on my babies.  Not their birth moms, not their biological families, nor anybody else.  Say that about my kids, and you may “give up” on breathing for a while.

A belated Birth Mother’s Day to all of the wonderful birth moms out there, and especially to two amazing women who will always be special to us.

But while “gave up” is mentioned in the piece, it is a small component in the bigger message.

The loss a birth mom faces can something pale in comparison to the social stigma they face for placing their child for adoption.  The author even asserts that for some women, aborting an unplanned pregnancy can have less impact than placing a child for adoption.

Think about it:  there is a woman at work, at school, at church, in your family, wherever.  You can tell that she is pregnant, even if you think she’s trying to hide it.  You hear that she’s gone into labor and delivered a healthy child.  Then one day, she is back but little is said publicly about where the baby went.

You would judge her.

You would think she was a slut for getting knocked up, or she’s a bad person because she couldn’t take care of her baby, or she has betrayed religious tenets you hold dear.

You would ask why.  Why couldn’t she raise baby?  Why did she have to “give up” this child?  Why is she such a bad mom?  Why?

You may not say or intentionally do anything, but you would likely judge her for placing her baby for adoption.  Or make negative assumptions.

Hell, I am a two-time adoptive father.  I owe an overwhelming debt of gratitude to our two birth moms.  And I can honestly tell you that I have made some negative judgments about birth moms (especially the one who lied to us in our failed adoption).

Simply put:  the social stigma our birth mothers faced is something that I (as an adoptive father) have failed to comprehend, or even acknowledge.

And that is what makes birth moms so amazing.  When faced with an unplanned pregnancy, they could take the “easy” way out and abort.  Few people would know, and they would not have to endure nine months of judgment, and a lifetime of whispers about how she “gave up” a baby.  Imagine the strength, the love, and conviction needed to make an adoption plan, especially in the face of such social stigma.

The solution is simple:  as a society, we readjust our mindset on birth moms.  They are not pariahs incapable of parenting.  They love their children and want the best possible life for them.  The author says it best:

“A woman’s decision to carry a baby to term knowing that she will not reap the fruits of motherhood should be treated as an act of bravery and selflessness — the ultimate standards of good motherhood.”

I agree.

*   *   *

Update…The WordPress Daily Prompt for 5/14/2013 is about unconditional love.  I definitely think the love birth moms have for their children qualifies.

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Royal Review – April

2 May

As a baseball fan, I always look forward to the start of the season.  You’ll hear announcers and writers talking about the “hope and potential of a new season” and bunch of other clichés about how everybody believes their team can win the World Series in April.

As a long time Royals fan, my response to that is “Yeah, right.”  The Royals may start in first place on Opening Day, but I’ve seen enough seasons to know that KC’s April will usually go one of two ways:

  1. The Royals get off to a respectable start, flirting with first place for a day or two, before a six game losing streak drops them back in the standings.  They continue to find new ways to lose, and they’re out of realistic contention by May.
  2. The Royals stink out of the gate, a lousy collection of washed up vets who don’t care and quadruple-A players who could not start for most major league teams.  They may not go on a prolonged losing streak, but they probably will - just because they can.  Any hope of contending is gone by Tax Day.  After that, the focus shifts to not finishing last in the division and guessing who the token All Star representative will be.

But the 2013 season might just be different.  General Manager Dayton Moore has built a young, but strong core of position players and spent the offseason bolstering a pitching staff that was painfully bad in 2012.  The Royals dominated the Cactus League during spring training, and are a trendy dark horse pick to win the American League Central.

One month in to the 2013 season, and the Royals have been different.  Good different.  Like, a real big league team with pitching, hitting, and defense different.

And I’m not sure what to do with it.

Let’s not kid ourselves…there is still a ton of baseball to be played.  Five full months and over 135 games, to be exact.  But as I type this on May 1, 2013, the Kansas City Royals are in first place.  They have won at home, won on the road, beat good teams, pounded bad teams, and have generally looked good doing so.  At the risk of jinxing the team, I’ll say it:

If the playoffs started today, Kansas City would be in for the first time since 1985.

But that is looking too far down the road.  I’m sticking to the same thing I said at the beginning of the year:  I will be happy – hell, I’d be thrilled – with 82 wins.  Get over .500.  Anything beyond that is gravy.

Will it happen?  I want to say yes, but history says no.  Regardless, it should be a fun ride.

*   *   *

Three Up (or “Why you might want to set aside some cash for a playoffs fund”)

  1. James Shields, Ervin Santana, and Jeremy Guthrie have brought stability to the starting rotation.  Shields and Santana were the two key offseason acquisitions, and in April they were worth the price.  Guthrie came to the Royals in 2012, and has been quietly dominant.  Combined, these three are 8-3, with a 2.68 ERA.
  2. The offense is has serious potential.  The majority of the lineup is capable of delivering an extra base hit at any point.  Ned Yost has not been afraid to run – the Royals are third in the AL with 19 stolen bases – which has helped put guys in scoring position, and put pressure on opposing defenses.  They’re not clicking on all cylinders, but if they do….look out.
  3. There is noticeable excitement and chemistry on the team.  This is my favorite.  For the first time in ages, the team is playing with passion.  They look like they care, and they are having fun.  Fans are starting to expect this team to win, instead of finding a way to lose.

Three Down (or “Why you should consider focusing on the NBA and NHL playoffs instead of baseball”)

  1. There is no consistent power threat.  The Royals are last in the league with 14 home runs (the Yankees have 35).  While several Royals can take you deep – nine guys homers in April – up and down the lineup there is not a guy who you fear going yard in every at bat.
  2. Will Moustakas and Hosmer produce?  Mike Moustakas and Eric Hosmer are two cornerstones of the Royals youth movement.  In order for the team to contend, each needs to be a key cog in the offense.  So far in 2013, the two are batting a combined .221 with one homer and 13 RBI.  Moustakas has been especially bad with a dreadful .195/.276/.299 line.  At the end of April, both showed signs of heating up, but if they cannot produce, the offense will be challenged.
  3. It’s still the Royals.  April was one of the better months in recent history to be a Royals fan.  It has been a blast to watch the team play good baseball, beat good teams, and get our hopes up for what the rest of the season will bring.  But let’s face it:  the die-hard fans who have been through the 100 loss seasons, puzzling roster moves, and bizarre moments that can only happen to Kansas City are waiting for the other shoe to drop.  As much as I want to believe in this team and their chances, an eight game losing streak would not shock me.

Extra Innings

  • I’m trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but man, Rex Hudler is brutal.  Especially when paired with the ultra dry wit of Ryan Lefebvre.  I don’t necessarily miss Frank White providing a continuous Dr. Julius Hibbert laugh track every time Ryan made a joke, but surely there is somebody better out there.
  • I’ve never understood why there are so many scheduled off days in April.  You’d think a ballplayer would rather save those days off for August when the season is starting to grind and their bodies need extra rest – not five in the first 22 days of the season (not counting rain outs and the Friday the City of Boston was on lock-down).
  • Jeff Francoeur:  What the heck, dude?

Call to the Bullpen

“So, the Royals playing dominating baseball and the impending snow in May in KC don’t have anything to do with the apocalypse right?” – TJ Carpenter‏ (@TJCarpenterWHB)

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Thought of the Day – 4/30/2013 – Eat Fresh, Smell Rotten

30 Apr Ooo that smell. Can't you smell that smell?

Allow me to do my Jerry Seinfeld impression*:

What is the deal with that smell at Subway restaurants?

*Pretty good, huh?

All Subway restaurants have that smell.  Every single one of them (and I’ll freely admit to eating at Subways all across America during my business travel days).  You know the smell I’m talking about…or at least I hope you do.  I can’t really describe the aroma (my nose is not connected to the part of my brain that conjures descriptive adjectives).  It’s not a horrible or nauseating smell, but it is always present.  It is distinctive, and you’ll never smell it anywhere other than a Subway.

I assume the odor is from their freshly baked bread, except that freshly baked bread doesn’t smell like that.  If it did, real estate agents would encourage people selling their homes to burn microwave popcorn to make their houses smell homey and inviting.  More appropriately, I’d guess the silicone trays they bake the bread in are a potential culprit.

Regardless, the stench is everywhere.  I ate at a Subway for lunch and all afternoon I was very conscious of the fact that I was omitting the Subway odor.  My apologies to the clients and co-workers I stood next to.  I tried to keep my distance.  Really, I did.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to go home, shower, and change clothes.

And that was only after a quick meal.  I’m guessing most Subway Sandwich Artists* go home and douse themselves in gasoline to get rid of that smell.  I would not be at all surprised if the Subway smell contributes to some type of black lung disease like coal miners get.  Years from now, there will be a late night commercial about a class action lawsuit against Subway like those mesothelioma ads you see now.

*Sandwich Artists.  Pfft.  What a fluffed up, load of crap job title.  Painting is art.  Sculpting is art.  Photography is art.  Singing is art.  Cooking can be art.  Putting cold cuts and pickles on bread is not art.  Sanitation Engineers mock your trumped-up title.

Apparently, Subway knew better than to play up the artistry angle too much in their advertising, which is truly a shame.  I’d love to see a commercial profiling a Sandwich Artist, complete with dramatic lighting, cinematic direction, and the following narration by a Masterpiece Theater-type voiceover guy:

“He’s the Picasso of the pepperoni.  The Georgia O’Keefe of the roast beef.  A Dali of the deli meats.  He’s like Edvard Munch when he makes your lunch.  Come experience the fine art of sandwich making at your neighborhood Subway.”

My suggestion:  Subway restaurants should install a decontamination station by the door where folks can have the Subway funk removed.  Simply step inside a shower stall-like booth, put a dollar in the slot and select your desired fragrance (Fabreeze, Axe body spray, old lady perfume, or Lysol).  Car wash sprayers extending from the wall would mist you from head to toe, leaving you smelling fresh.

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The Second Stupidest Product Ever Made (or How to Ruin Your Smartphone)

29 Apr

I receive a handful of Groupon-type emails every day.  I delete most of these sight unseen (I have zero need for laser hair removal, facial peels, and/or Microsoft Excel training).  But one of them did catch my eye.  Not in a good way, but for its sheer stupidity.

It is a protective case for your smartphone.  No big deal, those are pretty common – both on the Groupon sites and elsewhere.  A protective case is actually a pretty smart investment for those who have kids, use their phone a lot, or are a known ”dropper“.  So far, so good.

No, what sets this product apart (and makes it the second stupidest product ever made) is the addition of another tool into the smartphone case:  a bottle opener.

We’ve all been there:  you’re out with your buddies, enjoying some delicious beverages, but…oh no!  This fancy pants craft beer has a pry-off cap*.  Never fear, instead of having a $2 bottle opener on my key ring or finding one in a kitchen drawer, I’ll use one attached to my $500 cell phone.  Sure, why not use my phone as a lever, exposing it to undo force, liquids under pressure, and my drunken friends?  That sounds like a great idea.  Maybe when we’re done we can use my iPhone to pound in this loose nail on your basement steps or play a round of disc golf with my Galaxy S III.

*I hate to stereotype, but I’m guessing the primary demographic for this case is not drinking a lot of craft beers or other beverages with pry-off bottle caps.  I’d wager the purchasers of this product are quite fond of beers with twist-off caps, such as Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors Light.

How a redneck opens a longneck (image from livingsocial.com)

And if the prospect of turning your expensive smartphone into a cheap bar tool is not enough to get you to whip out your credit card, just wait!  There’s more:

The bottle opener case comes with a custom app that will count the number of bottles you’ve opened.  (“Ossifer, as you can clearly see, this app says I’ve only had three beers.  At least that what it showed right before I opened the fourth one and my screen cracked.”)

The app will also play a song when you open a bottle.  The LivingSocial deal did not specify what song is played, but I’m guessing it is something by Nickelback or AC/DC.

You can also get your bottle opener case printed with different sports teams logos (because what team doesn’t want to be associated with the brilliant minds who would buy something like this), or you can upload your own image such as the rebel flag, Calvin peeing on something, or a picture of Nickelback.

You’ll notice that I refer to this as the “second stupidest product ever made”.  Yes, potentially breaking a $500 smartphone by using it as a bottle opener is pretty dadgum stupid.  Yet, this phone case still has a legitimate purpose, as opposed to the Stupidest Product Ever Made, which does not.  Sadly, I fear a new contender for the title will come along soon.

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